Transformation Story: True Identity
“I think I was always just trying to fill something inside of me and I tried to do that with people. I need attention, I just wanted it in some form, and did not care what I had to do to get it.”
This woman has gone through her whole life morphing and taking on different personas. Looking back, she realizes that because she did not receive the attention she needed in her home, she sought it elsewhere and did whatever it took to receive it. “It started off in the form of storytelling,” she tells me. “I would make up these ridiculous “events” that happened just to get a reaction out of someone.” She had stories of being shanked, stories of fistfights, drug selling, and her last and most extreme one was telling her whole class she had a cancerous tumor. “The stories began getting way out of hand, I was getting attention and reactions and I loved it, but it would only last so long until I would have to come up with a better more extreme story. It got to a point that I didn't even realize what was coming out of my mouth anymore and some of my stories were going to far.” She had a friend that knew her stories were fabricated and began calling her out on it in private. “My friend let me explain why I was doing it, without judging me, and she helped me calm that down, but it's like I still needed that attention... so then I turned to relationships.”
“The line between love and friendship was always blurry to me, I had a crush on every person that would give me attention.” She had crushes on teachers, friends (both boys and girls).. her crushes hopped from person to person seeking love. “I wanted to date everyone. I thought if I can get them to have a relationship with me, my hole would be gone. I got hurt so many times with this. I would give that person my everything and they would turn around and stab me in the back.” After one of her boyfriends talked her into taking her virginity and then broke up with her the next day, her world was shattered. She felt even more confused and lost sight of herself completely. Because her line between friendship and love was blurred, she thought maybe she was seeking the wrong sex and that was the problem...
“I took a weird turn for a while. I was so confused. If you gave me attention, I thought it meant you loved me. All I knew was boys hurt me, and my friends that were girls, understood me more than anyone..” This women felt that a relationship with another young woman would not be accepted so she decided to cut all of her hair off and present herself as a boy. “Girls would hit on me, thinking I was a boy, we'd get to talking and I would tell them the truth, they would say it didn't matter and we would continue to date but the whole time I was living this lie....None of their families knew I was a girl and in the end every relationship ended because of that. Even though I stopped telling stories...my whole life had become one. I hated it but didn't know how to get out of it because this “boy” I was pretending to be, I started believing really was me.”
After multiple breakups and heartaches this woman noticed that that hole she had inside, seemed to be growing larger and larger. “I was talking to my best friend one night, explaining I wanted to die, I was so lonely and so lost and my friend told me only one person will ever fill that hole...She said His name is Jesus. I about died laughing but she convinced me to go to church with her and I did. I felt things that I never had.” The people in this church welcomed her with open arms, they explained that God loves her no matter what, and that God could see through every fasad down to the heart that is beating inside of the person. They told her that the heart was the only thing that mattered to Him. Her friend bought her a bible, she began reading about truth and ended up getting baptized a year later. From there she remained single for close to 6 months just focusing on herself and figuring out who she really was in God's eyes.
About a year or so later, God brought a man into her life. This man brought out her femininity completely again. For the first time in her life, she was comfortable in her own body, with every part of herself. “Once I allowed God to take the reigns on my life, not only did the hole disappear, I found myself.” Now... this woman is happily engaged to that man. She no longer makes up stories because God showed her that she, is enough. She embraces the woman she is, and now, shares her love by helping others see that they are enough as well.
-A The Word Changes Contributor